Do you identify with perfectionism? I always thought of myself as a high achiever. I set big goals and I went after them, then I measured my success on the outcome of that goal. If your goal is measurable, it’s pretty cut and dry. You either fall short, meet or exceed. In the corporate world, we were paid on it and our value as an employee was determined by our ability to deliver on those goals. My brain translated that to my worthiness as a contributor being directly tied to goal achievement. In other words, it wasn’t until I achieved a goal that I got the fleeting satisfaction of being able to feel good, until I set the next goal and repeated the roller coaster. That is, in essence, perfectionism. The thought that we need to improve, achieve or be better and when we do, our brains will allow us to feel good.
My perfectionist brain controlled every step of projects to avoid failure or mistakes. If I experienced uncomfortable or negative emotion, I took that as a sign something was wrong or that I was wrong. I spent a lot of time in anxiety, second guessing my decisions or paralyzed with the lack of knowing what to do. Even more prevalent were the critical voices in my head, always telling me how I could do better.
In contrast, someone striving for healthy high achievement learns to feel good in the heat of the challenge. They know that their worthiness isn’t based on the goal outcome, they are 100% worthy right where they are. They are able to experience mental peace in the process of creating, building, and learning instead of hoping for it at the end. Instead of thinking “Once I meet this goal, I will feel better”, they are thinking “I love the process of challenging myself”.
When they make mistakes, they look at the situation with self compassion and allow themselves to be human, nothing has gone wrong. They still acknowledge their mistakes and own them, but they don’t make it mean they are a bad person or any less worthy. They see the whole person they are, including all the wins and the mistakes, and don’t identify themselves solely based on the mistakes. They don’t spin or ruminate based on the mistakes and let them rule their lives. They aren’t immobilized by fear, knowing that they will figure out a way through any challenge.
Upon realizing what was happening, I thought that if I was able to conquer my perfectionism in one part of my life, it would magically carry over. What I’ve come to understand more recently is that tackling perfectionism can be a bit like a game of Whack-a-mole. You know, the one with the big mallet where the mole pops up and as soon as you hit one, two more appear elsewhere? While I squashed the perfectionist tendencies in one area, my brain decided to redirect them to a different one. Does that mean there is anything wrong with me? Nope. That’s just the human experience.
Awareness helps so much, because each time it happens, I learn just a little bit more about myself and how to spot it when it does. I don’t have to beat myself over it and the minute I accept it for what it is, just a brain that has a habit of applying the same principle to new situations that in turn allows me to push past my comfort zone in the process, it releases the strain I was putting on the situation. Instead of perfectionism controlling me, it’s now in the passenger seat and simply along for the ride.
Do you identify with perfectionism and have given up on finding mental peace? Don’t! There is a better way and I can help you through it. Schedule a consultation and let’s discuss how you can get rid of the anxiety, shame and paralysis you might be suffering today.