How to use anger as positive fuel

I don’t want to be angry.

It’s the comment I heard over and over from clients this week.

Each situation was different and the result of challenges with kids, other leaders, team members and service providers. Yet, they were all very similar. They were all women resisting their natural instinct to feel angry.

Why?

Even from a young age we are socialized to associate anger with masculinity. Girls are told it’s unbecoming and impolite, while it’s seen as a source of strength and confidence in boys. So we grow up not even being aware of our own natural instinct to push it away.

In adulthood, this is reinforced. I became acutely aware of this last week as I was working with a service provider. I pointed out multiple cases of being provided misinformation by company representatives. His response was to talk over me and then say “I don’t know why you are so angry.” My brain instantly interpreted this as “I shouldn’t be angry. It’s wrong and impolite.” So I had to ask myself “Is this true?” and the answer I had was “No”. I was very respectful in my conversation, made sure not to attack him personally and relayed the facts of what I asked and what was told to me.

In this instance, anger was a positive emotion. I needed to advocate for myself and my anger was driving that action.

So the next time this pops up for you, I’m going to invite you to just allow yourself to be angry.

Too often we associate anger with lashing out and physically or verbally damaging something or someone because that’s the way it’s portrayed to us in the media. That’s not what I’m inviting you to do. Instead, I’m inviting you to feel the anger and decide how you use it for fuel to your actions.

First, notice that you are angry. When you are feeling something strongly, it’s a great time to stop and ask yourself what exactly you are feeling. If you are used to bottling up your emotions or spending hours at a time ruminating on things without giving yourself permission to feel, you might not be familiar with how anger shows up for you. Don’t worry, the more you pay attention, the quicker you will be able to notice when it shows up.

Second, explore why it exists. Most of us realize we have the anger and instantly try to push it away. I’m asking you to let it in so you can dissect it instead. What can it tell you about the situation? What happened to cause the anger and what were you thinking at the time you felt it?

Lastly, recognize that you can feel the emotion of anger and still choose how to respond to it. How can you put it to good use? Where is the opportunity in it?

One of my clients this week was struggling with a team member who consistently wasn’t showing up. It’s someone the company absolutely adores personally and they didn’t want to lose, but it was getting to a point where the company was losing money because she was not providing enough value to sustain her position. In this case, the anger created a space for my client to set boundaries and conditions for more equality in the relationship. Without that fuel, this wasn’t happening.

So the next time you find yourself trying to push anger away, I want you to give yourself permission to stop, reframe and let it in instead. Take the time to really explore it, identify its source and decide how you want to use it.