How to stop people pleasing and start leading

After another week of great client sessions, I would love to share a little wisdom with you. And that is…

Your brain can be wired for pleasing people and you can still be an amazing leader.

It’s true. 

I know you’ve convinced yourself that you don’t want to be pushy or micro-manage people, so you have avoided holding people accountable. You ask for things and sometimes they deliver, but more often than not, they don’t, and you end up going to extreme measures like throwing your boss’s name around like a threat or showing anger at their behavior. At some point it feels passive aggressive so you hate it and question whether you are really cut out for all of this stuff called leadership.

It doesn’t have to be that way!

But you have to change the way you work, which starts with the way you are thinking about this. Most likely you are in a constant state of comparison between yourself and the leader you don’t want to be and it’s simply not helpful. The passive aggressive comes from avoiding being pushy until absolutely necessary and then relying on it to get you over the finish line. You end up feeling terrible and your team members are completely confused because they don’t know who they are going to get from day to day. 

Instead, you can remain calm, put your team members’ needs in the forefront and still get things done. You don’t need daily conflict to push things over the finish line. Here is how:

Respect them enough to be transparent and clear with deliverables up front. Every assignment can start with a shared definition of what it is, when it needs to be done, and how you will both know it’s complete. Such a simple process and yet, more often than not, the latter two are overlooked in most work conversations. 

Be conscious of what you ask for. Working with humans means that some will have a knee jerk reaction to the problem of the day and that will generate work that days later is no longer deemed important. You might work for one of these people and find yourself trying to manage all the pieces or maybe you notice this in yourself. Prioritize your work and the work of your team on things that are not only important today, but still will be in two weeks.

Be honest with yourself and stop taking on work just to resent it later. Serving others is a gift that when overused can create behaviors that no longer honor yourself. You’ll know when you passed the threshold by the way you feel. The gift breeds positive energy and overuse breeds negative energy. Now I’m not saying this is permission to say “no” to necessary projects just because they don’t make you happy. You still have a job to do. I’m only saying that you want to make decisions consciously and make sure you like the reason you are saying “yes” to something. If you don’t, it’s a great opportunity to do some exploring before you continue, so your decision comes from a place of personal power, even when you still say “yes”.

Get so clear on who you are at your core that you show up in this capacity more often than not. Your team will feel safe when they know what to expect and this consistency is where trust is built. When you take the time to define your values and leadership characteristics, you can put these at the forefront of your interactions. Instead of spinning in comparison to leadership traits you’re trying to avoid, you anchor yourself in traits that uniquely define you. Even hard conversations are made easier when you focus your own brain on staying in integrity instead of measuring yourself on the other person’s reaction and then responding sporadically. This means your team members no longer see the hot and cold version of you. Consistency builds trust. If your team knows what to expect, it becomes a safe place for them to exist. 

Following these steps allow you to move away from believing you need to be someone you’re not and helps you move closer to the leader you are. 

Do you relate to this? I got you! Sign up for your free consultation here and let’s talk about what coaching can create for you.