This week, I was working with a client who is currently going through her job search process. I could tell she was struggling with how to approach the interview so we started talking through her concerns. She had been told in the past that she didn’t go deep enough in explaining past projects. She made this to mean two different things:
First, she was telling herself that there was a right and wrong way to answer questions and based on the feedback of two different interviewers, her way was the wrong way.
Second, she was also convinced that she didn’t know what to do.
These two combined left her feeling defeated and inadequate.
When your brain hijacks you with these lies, it’s easy to get stuck in a continuous loop of self sabotage. You convince yourself there is some rule book out there that everyone else got but you and you start to overanalyze your answers to every question trying to think your way out of it. When you realize there is no way to control the situation, your brain decides it’s hopeless and the best course of action is to stay comfortable and do nothing because whatever you do won’t be right. The more you do this, the more you don’t exercise agency over your situation and the more your lack of confidence grows.
The good news is, the only skill required to stop this mental loop is awareness.
In the case of my client, the situation started when she was told by two interviewers that they had hoped for more depth in her responses. In the moment of interviewing, she thought that because she and the interviewers were both functional professionals working at an executive level, depth was assumed. So how can she get out of assumptions and predictions?
Go into discussions focused and curious.
She was so intent on appearing intelligent that she didn’t realize she was operating from a place of fear. Fear of saying the wrong thing or wrongly predicting what the interviewer was wanting to hear. Being focused doesn’t mean you are operating with a head full of analytical internal chatter. In fact, that chatter immediately pulls you out of being present and connected to other people. Focus is asking how much depth the interviewer would like when it’s unclear or answering based on instinct and asking if the information given is sufficient. Focus is not about controlling the response of other people like a joystick in a video game, it’s about riding a surfboard and adjusting your response to the intensity of the waves.
We also talked about the lies we tell ourselves related to confidence. Over time, many of us have created an image that confidence is all about having all the answers. If you’ve spent any time with someone who always has the answers and never asks any questions, you might have noticed that the insecurity underneath their behavior runs deep. Confident people ask questions, they embrace curiosity. They explore the points of view of people around them and seek opportunities to challenge their thinking. Yes, they make decisions, but they also know that being wrong is simply part of the process. They don’t allow it to mean something about them or their capabilities.
Where are you fearful of being wrong? How can you show up focused and curious instead?