It happened again. Even though you’ve had the feedback that you don’t come across as open minded and you understand the situations in the rearview mirror, you can’t quite get to a place where you can address your own behavior in advance. So, one of your peers came to you with an idea, you instantly shot it down saying it wouldn’t work, and now you sit in your boss’s office while she tells you once again that people avoid you because you aren’t approachable.
Why is this happening?
First of all, let’s just start with basic human nature. Our brain’s job is to keep us safe. It automatically filters all of the inputs we experience through the motivational triad – seek pleasure, avoid pain, exert as little energy as possible. As it quickly processes the interaction you are having with your peer, it is going to give meaning to it:
I should have thought of that already
My team isn’t doing enough as is, which means my leadership is lacking
This is just going to turn into more work for us
This just complicates things
Once you combine the motivational triad with the meaning, you can quickly see why your instant reaction is to shut down. It’s human nature when your brain is choosing to make someone’s innocent suggestion mean something more than is intended. Unfortunately, shutting down and adopting the meaning your brain is giving the situation also means that you close yourself off, resist the information and likely respond from a place of irritation.
So how can you intercept what is happening and choose differently?
The great thing about our brain is that it works in predictable patterns. So next time someone comes to you with an idea, you can anticipate that the first reaction your brain is going to have, is to shut it down. As you witness it happening, you can simply acknowledge what is going on and even get excited that your brain is working as predictably as you anticipated.
Then, you can ask yourself “What do I like about this idea?” in order to switch your thinking from resistance to acceptance. Find the 10% that is good about what they are saying without having any judgement for yourself or the person delivering it. By verbalizing what you like back to the individual, you automatically put yourself in a position of connection. You aren’t saying you will adopt it and you aren’t even saying you love their idea. You are simply drawing out what part of it you do like and explaining to them why you like that small piece. You stay in integrity and they feel heard. From this place, you have a much stronger chance of accessing your own creativity and innovation, and can even follow up with “What if we…”, then build on their idea with thoughts of your own.
This is so much more effective than telling ourselves we aren’t open minded enough and trying to control our behavior until it changes. Unfortunately, that’s the way most of us attempt to change and it’s no more effective on ourselves than it is on our teenage children. So give yourself the gift of compassion for having a human brain and allow yourself to build the muscles over time that intercept your thinking patterns.
Are you struggling with changing a behavior that keeps showing up at work? Schedule your free consultation here and let’s discuss how I can help you work through this in a safe and compassionate environment.