We’ve all experienced it. You got up early enough for a workout, the morning drop-off went smoothly with the kids, you managed to get out the door in time to stop for coffee and make the daily standup call from the car on the way in, and you are feeling amazing. That is, until your boss asks for opinions on an upcoming project, you respond with yours and your co-worker counters with…
That’s what I would expect you to say.
Your instant reaction?
You feel the redness and heat in your cheeks before you even consciously realize what just happened.
What the hell was that about?
So starts the inner dialogue…
He just made me look stupid.
He thinks I’m too negative. I am not negative. I just don’t think this project is going to work.
I don’t deserve to be attacked for stating an opinion that was requested.
Apparently, a woman’s opinion doesn’t even matter. He can be against something and it’s seen as normal, but as soon as I am, I get labeled as negative.
Next thing you know, you are so far down the rabbit hole of anger and frustration, you don’t even know what’s happening in the room around you.
Your brain will want to label your co-worker – condescending, rude, disrespectful. You can go that route, but I don’t suggest it. Instead, here are some questions you can ask yourself:
- What is actually happening here? Our mind wants to have the comment define us as a person, but what actually happened? Your coworker said words based on his own view of a situation. How he viewed that situation was through his own belief system, life experiences and value systems, not yours. It’s actually not about you at all.
- What am I accountable for in this scenario? Accountability is simply the ability to account for our actions and what they result in. Your boss asked for an opinion and you stated one. Was the opinion you gave in full integrity? Were you conscious and intentional in the opinion you provided? Do you stand by it? Then the only result you need to worry about is that the boss asked a question and you provided a perspective.
- How do you want to address this scenario? I find that I show up best when I can look at the situation objectively from what is called a +/+ Life Position. This assumes that I am OK, I have a positive view of myself, am confident in myself and know my weaknesses, and at the same time I can accept my weaknesses and still feel OK about myself. One the other hand, I perceive the other person as OK as well. They also have strong points and things to improve, perhaps some difficulties that can be resolved and at the same time, I can get along with them well. Through this lens, I can choose my next move. If both of us are whole and worthy, how could I proceed in a way that reflects my values and keeps me in full integrity? For some, this might mean cracking a joke about his ability to predict the future based upon a crazy sense for human behavior and other times, if this is chronic and part of a larger behavioral concern, it might mean speaking with him and setting a boundary. Something like:
I did not appreciate when I gave an opinion and you said “That’s what I would expect you to say.” If the comments continue, I will respond with a formal complaint to our boss or HR.
No matter how you choose to respond, the key is knowing that he doesn’t have to change in order for you to move on or feel good. It’s never the comment that causes our emotion, it’s always our thoughts about the comment that create the emotion we feel.
Are you having difficulty dealing with someone at work? I would love to help you work through the situation and find a path forward that works best for you. Take the first step and set up your free consultation here.