Did you know that when you are under stress, your brain sends a predictable signal?
It wasn’t until I came to coaching that I discovered that whenever I am under stress or pushing the edges of my comfort zone, my brain responds consistently. It throws up a defense-like behavior that lasts only a few seconds. In fact, it can do this 100-1000 times per day without me even realizing it.
I start overthinking, over controlling and/or overworking just to prove how perfect I can be in order to be worthy. At the same time, unconsciously thinking I can make others feel good by being perfect for them. So, I naturally overadapt and get mired in the details.
The unconscious thinking is hard wired, but with awareness, it doesn’t mean I have to be ruled by it. I can quickly recognize it, understand what’s happening and meet my psychological needs before going down a rabbit hole of additional stress. Sometimes it’s as simple as acknowledging “Oh wait, I don’t have to be perfect or overthink, I can just be human right now”.
Other people show different, but predictable, signs when under stress:
They point out what you have done wrong, hoping they can make you feel better if they make you perfect.
They don’t adequately support you, hoping they can make you feel better by making you stronger.
They give away power over their emotions, believing that someone else is in charge of making them feel good.
They overadapt in an effort to please others and receive acceptance.
They expect others to think or act for them in hopes it will make them feel better.
These can sound extreme and what you actually experience might be much more subtle. Which do you identify with most? Which are common among the people closest to you? What about your colleagues?
I had a fellow coach ask for advice this week. Her friend was working in an environment with someone whose stress signal was pointing out what she did wrong all the time. On the flip side, the friend’s signal was to overadapt and try to please. Without awareness, this was creating a really tough environment for the friend and sending her deeper into distress.
Bringing awareness to the natural dynamics between the two, allows space for the friend to take back her power. It’s going to be very important that she takes care of herself and recharges her batteries appropriately to effectively work in this environment. In addition, she will have to set boundaries to ensure she isn’t giving away her own integrity in the process of trying to meet the needs of her colleague. Knowing that the colleague is under stress and this is simply the signal associated, allows her to de-personalize the behavior and not make it about her.
Ready to uncover the patterns of your own behavior and use them to your advantage? I would love to coach you on this. Sign up for your free consultation here.