Do you find yourself stuck in the same emotional pattern with work, feeling frustrated and angry but unable to find a way out, other than the exit? I have found that this simple process for uncovering patterns is a great way to identify the triggers and make decisions on our response. The five steps are:
- Think of three to five instances that elicited a strong emotional response from you.
- Look at the situations for recurring triggers. What came right before the emotional response and what similarities can you find between the situations?
- Pick one of the triggers and list three to five thoughts that arise when this happens.
- Reflect on the actions or behaviors these thoughts typically create when you think them.
- Create a response plan. When these thought triggers arise, how do you want to behave or respond instead?
I used to have a lot of anger towards a leader I worked with. He would often make statements about people and their character, raise his voice and curse at me when he believed I was challenging him and ask his team for input then sometimes make a decision to against it anyway.
The trigger for me was conflict. He loved it, saw it as a necessary way to do business and get the best out of people. I enjoyed it with people I could trust but avoided it at all costs if I thought the other person might turn on me as a result. It’s a pattern I can find in both my personal and professional lives.
This conflict provoked thoughts in me such as:
- I am never going to win this.
- I need to smooth this over.
- I need to fix this.
- I shouldn’t argue, he probably knows best.
When this happened, I left things unsaid and conceded. I wasn’t direct. I simply tried to exit the conversation as quickly as possible. And my anger came out of the disconnect I felt with my personal integrity. I had a different opinion and I didn’t own it. While I thought my anger was directed at him, it was really directed at myself.
What would I do differently now? My response plan would be different today. Instead of agreeing in an attempt to end the conversation as quickly as possible, my new goal would be staying in integrity. Sometimes that might mean a simple statement of “I don’t agree” and walking away. Other times that might mean standing my ground, presenting my perspective and letting go of the need for there to be someone who “wins”.
What are you working through right now and how can uncovering your patterns help you revise your response in a way that best suits you?