Have you ever caught yourself talking to your kids and realized that your own fears are shining through? I am raising two boys who love to play competitive soccer and I would be lying if I didn’t say they have already gone well beyond my comfort zone in terms of the situations they are willing to put themselves in for the love of the game. My oldest will state his dreams boldly and without hesitation and my thoughts always go to places like “but what if he doesn’t make it?” and if I continue down that road, I find myself talking him out of things, asking questions like “Are you sure you want to do that?”, encouraging him to take the safe road, and not challenging himself. All of a sudden, my thoughts, fears and hesitations are clouding the conversation and I’m placing that on him.
As managers, we can fall prone to doing the same thing with our employees. We go in to have a conversation about them and their performance, while bringing our own fears and hesitations to the table. Thoughts like:
If they don’t perform, it’s a poor reflection on me.
I need them to like me.
And that’s why we end up having conversations that go south. Instead of an honest, open and collaborative conversation, it becomes telling or preaching as if we say it sternly enough, we can force the person into submission. Or, we beat around the bush and don’t actually say what we are seeing because we are too afraid of their reaction. They end up leaving the conversation with mixed messages and a lack of clarity about what the purpose of that discussion even was.
What if you could put all of your own fears and assumptions aside and just be fully present, open and curious? What would that look like?
Stating what you have observed with just the facts and asking for their thoughts on what is happening with curiosity.
Brainstorming and using your collective wisdom on how to overcome the challenges they are presented with.
Believing that they are fully capable of doing what they need to, in order to build the career they desire.
By removing your own thoughts from the equation, you allow theirs to become center and it allows you to fully see the situation.
If you are struggling with your thoughts clouding your conversations and relationships with others, I can help. Set up a 1:1 consultation to discuss.