My son had a soccer game today and as the kids were piling out of their cars, we quickly discovered that half the team had neon socks and half had black. After a quick inventory, they discovered a few of the kids didn’t have the neon socks, so they asked the kids to return to their cars and quickly change into black so everyone was the same. Sounds pretty simple, right?! But it wasn’t, apparently. There was worrying about having to change again, fights between kids and parents about who was right or wrong with the colors, second guessing of the decision to change at all, and even the decision of whether to change in the car or outside where it was snowing and cold, became an argument. All over socks.
This is such a great illustration of the drama that’s created in our brain when change happens. Even the simplest of things can become a debate, lead to second guessing and cause us to spin in indecision of whether to hang on to the past with all we have or rapidly move into the future with the knowledge that things might not all work out and we will end up right back where we started.
Today, I’m going to give you a gift. And that gift is the knowledge that regardless of what is changing, you get to decide what any change means to you. Nothing has to be a problem unless you let it. The issue with the socks? Nothing was wrong. Some kids showed up in one color and the decision was made to change to the other. They each got to decide whether they wanted to play bad enough to change or sit on the sidelines in the neon socks and watch the game. They still owned their path and what they chose to do. Even when it doesn’t feel like it, you always have the power of choice.
So how do you get there?
- Define the change in neutral terms. What are the actual facts?
- Decide how you want to think about it. Is it a problem for you? If it is, why?
- Focus your efforts on forward movement and keep managing your mind.
My son was one of those freaking out about a quick change in socks, deciding that everything was off and now the game was ruined. As soon as I said “Nothing has gone wrong, we brought both pairs for this very reason and you’ve chosen to wear the black so you can play”, he looked at me and said “But what if we have to change again?” and I said “Then you change back to the neon because you want to play. That’s it.” Crisis averted, socks changed and his mind was back to being fully focused on the game.
“The best years of your life are the ones in which you decide your problems are your own. You do not blame them on your mother, the ecology, or the president. You realize that you control your own destiny.”
Albert Ellis